THE BARBARIANS: Blu-ray (Cannon Films, 1987) Scorpion Releasing/Kino Lorber
For those unaware, you couldn’t move a muscle – figuratively speaking – in the mid-1980’s and not know who the Paul brothers were. Riding the coat tails of all things fitness, the bodybuilding craze kick-started by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron (1979), and mindless fluff and dumb show spent on Saturday morning WWF wrestling, to make muck of muscle-heads everywhere, David and Peter, professionally known as ‘the Barbarian Brothers’ carved their own solid little niche in the firmament without ever actually attaining any sort of ever-lasting credibility in either the sport or the movies. The twins were often featured in muscle and fitness magazines, mostly for pushing the boundaries of their own physical limits and closeted steroid abuse to new and impressive heights. Indeed, looking at their physiques today, it is impossible not to be at least partially rapt in the sheer girth of those bulbous pecs and tree-trunk sized biceps; their calves, more like cows, while the rest could ripple with the best pros who nationally competed back in the day for the recognition of who had the best designer drug combo to succeed. Arguably, David and Peter’s popularity (and they were popular) stemmed from their curious sort of laid-back approach in aspiring to be famous for the sake of being famous. Whether intentional or not, they seemed not to care all that much about their fame, lending to the illusion that if fate had not smiled on them as it had, they would have been as contented busting boulders in a quarry with their thighs.
The brother’s fame was, indeed, very short-lived –
even shorter than their movie career, which can be distilled into 4 movies.
Arguably, the best of these remains 1987’s The Barbarians; director, Ruggero
Deodato’s shameless riff on Schwarzenegger’s own loin-cloth/muscled up quickie,
1982’s Conan the Barbarian, with less production value and staying power
all around. Not that money wasn’t spent here. And there is no law to insist
every knock-off has to be either high-concept or even high-brow to hit the bull’s
eye. Actually, The Barbarians didn’t, crash-landing at the box office
with a mere $800,000 in the kitty on a staggering $2.5 million budget. If
nothing else, it had some impressive location work in the Abruzzo Mountains,
begun as a joint Italo/American venture for the long-since defunct Cannon Films,
under Serbian director, Slobodan Šijan, later replaced by Deodato. Interesting
to consider Peter and David’s contribution to cinema – mercilessly panned by
the critics and barely attended by an audience, yet virtually to evolve into a
cult following thereafter and forever more. The tagline to the picture reads, “Warriors.
Conquerers. Heroes” – but actually, the Paul bros read more like the Beavis
and Butt-head of the testosterone sect. Even so, these Connecticut-born muscle-bound
tough bods definitely had something – if only enough to turn up in cameos in Joel
Schumacher’s big-screen launch of Mr. T in D.C. Cab (1983) and later,
playing themselves…well…sort of… in Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers
(1994); their scenes in that movie left on the cutting room floor for its
theatrical release, but later, reinstated into the director’s cut. Technically,
their ‘second movie’ - The Barbarians marks Peter and David’s first ‘starring’
roles, and this in a fantasy/actioner built around their protuberant pecs, so
massive their nipples point down, and, bulging biceps – the brothers, never
missing an opportunity to get sweaty and oiled up for a good flex and pose down
in their vintage fur-lined thongs.
The boys also have a sort of bro-mantic chemistry that
is weirdly likeable. Demonstrably, someone in Hollywood agreed, because The
Barbarians was the kick-start to 3 more pictures: Think Big (1989), Double
Trouble (1992), and Twin Sitters (1994), for which Peter and David
not only co-starred but also wrote and performed the soundtrack, including the
rap ditty, ‘Whatcha Lookin’ At?’ And you thought Vanilla Ice was bad! If
nostalgia comes in many forms, then its curious odor herein breeds more than a whiff
of favoritism for the absurd and the childish. The cheese is thick, and occasionally
to curdle – the movies, atrociously scripted and even more benignly directed as
a sort of 80’s version of the old ‘quota quickies’ from days gone by. Perhaps
the best that can be said of the brothers is that, while their approach was
hardly unique, their charisma had its own undeniable charm – oddly to endure
beyond the C-grade nonsense they appeared in, and actually, make even this
candy floss a candidate for retrospective review and consideration. I can’t
honestly quantify why The Barbarians is an enjoyable – if disposable –
way to pass the time. But it remains simply that, and actually, palpably funny
to boot. The picture is set in the
mythical ‘sword and sandal’ realm of a bizarre, fantasy world. The Ragnicks, a peculiar
but peaceful travelling circus (with their teased hair and multi-colored
makeup, looking like flaming rejects from a Cyndi Lauper music video), are
attacked by the evil warlord, Kadar (Richard Lynch), who take hostage their
buxom queen, Canary (Virginia Bryant, doing 9 minutes of Sheena, jungle
princess).
Canary’s strength stems not from Bryant’s non-existent
acting chops; rather, a fabulous ruby she manages to conceal before being taken
prisoner. In defense of their queen, two adolescent twins from the tribe,
Kutchek (Pasquale Bellazecca) and Gore (Luigi Bellazecca)
bite off Kadar's fingers. Yes, it’s that gross and there’s a disgustingly
prolonged close-up of these decapitated stumps to prove it. In retaliation,
Kadar initially orders the twins put to death, but then agrees to a pardon if
Canary becomes his bride. Years pass. Separated and enslaved, Kutchek (now
played by Peter Paul) and Gore (you guessed, it – David Paul) have grown into
remarkably muscular specimens – mindless work horses, pitted in the arena in a
fight to the death to please Kardar; their true identities concealed by heavy
metal helmets that resemble upside down cast-iron ice buckets with horns
sticking out of them. However, during their struggle, Gore splits open
Kutchek's helmet, revealing his face. The brothers are reconciled and present a
united front against Kadar, liberating themselves on horseback and escaping
into the woods. There, they are reunited with their old tribemates who, remarkably,
have not aged a single day since the movie’s prologue and, even more
miraculously, have lived obscurely ever since, seemingly without threat of
capture from Kadar’s forces. Also, in the forest – Ismene (Eva La Rue) a bright-eyed
thief imprisoned by the Ragnicks. Mistaken as enemies, Kutchek and Gore manage
to reveal their past association with the tribe and are spared being hanged.
Determined to seek their vengeance on Kadar, Kutchek
and Gore are taken by Ismene to a local arms merchant, who proves a fairly bad
loser at arm wrestling and refuses to supply them with weapons for their
assault on Kadar’s palace. So, instead, the boys go it alone – well, sort of…taking
Ismene along and sneaking into the harem where they find Canary. She insists
they depart immediately for the Forbidden Land where the Ragnicks first
received the ruby, now guarded by an awesome dragon. Discovered by China (Sheeba
Alahani), Kadar’s wicked sorceress, Canary is tortured for intel, departing
post haste for the Forbidden Land with a small entourage. Mercifully, all are
quickly devoured by the fire-breathing defender of the gem. Meanwhile,
following Canary’s counsel, the brothers and Ismene unearth a stockpile of
magical weapons from a secret tomb. The dragon rears its ugly self, but is
dispatched by Kutchek and Gore, who excise the ruby from its hemorrhaging guts:
gross-out scene #2! Rather idiotically,
the boys entrust Ismene to do the right thing and restore the ruby to the
Ragnicks (remember, she is a thief!) while they prepare for their final
showdown against Kadar. Instead, Kadar, having discovered China's treachery, appears
with Canary who calls upon the ruby's magical properties to make Kadar murder
her and recall the brothers to the Forbidden Land where, predictably, they slay
the tyrant after a pseudo-epic battle of wills. Canary’s death has momentarily
turned the ruby to stone, its luster restored as a sign for the Ragnicks to choose
their new queen. The proof of the candidate’s fidelity to the throne will be
proven when the gem sticks to her navel. Indeed, when none of the Ragnick
maidens appear to possess the right stuff, Ismene discovers the ruby sticks to
her. Now, she reveals herself to all as Kara, Kutchek and Gore's old tribemate since
departed for a life of her own. Their queen elected, and the brothers now
keepers of the faith – and flex – the Ragnicks celebrate their newfound freedom
and resume their lives as nomadic entertainers.
The Barbarians is mindlessly conceived and
pointlessly executed fluff. Yet somehow, it works. After their brief flourish,
David and Peter fast faded into obscurity. And although they continued to appear
as celebrities of a kind, never to be taken seriously as either movie stars or
bodybuilders, and virtually shunned by Hollywood thereafter, their respective
careers were never again to rise. Performing impressive feats of strength and
powerlifting to get them into magazines and on talk shows made the twins more
the circus sideshow performers than ‘legit’ competitors of the bodybuilding
circuit. Indeed, David Paul, who died on March 6th of this year, age
62, made his modest living as a photographer thereafter, dabbling in art, music
and other creative pursuits. And, while rumors abound Peter is suffering from
some undisclosed mental affliction teetering on the chasm of madness – his public
appearance, reciting poetry on the grounds of the University of Rhode Island
was judged as ‘odd’, though, if he had maintained his fame from days of yore, this
behavior would likely have been deemed as ‘eccentric’ rather than crazy - Peter
Paul has nevertheless maintained a profile as ‘the Knight of the Light’
- a YouTuber, given free rein to his beliefs as a poet and apparent ‘faith’
healer. Aside: David, who once branded himself the ‘Abstract Alkaline
Alchemist’ also became spiritually enlightened before his death.
The Barbarians on Blu-ray marks the debut of
David and Peter in hi-def. Will the other 3 movies – regarded as the ‘twin
trilogy’ – arrive in 1080p in the near future? I wouldn’t count on it. For some
reason, the cult following for The Barbarians has remained strong, and
likely, the reason Scorpio Releasing and Kino Lorber have conspired to shine a
spotlight on it now. The results are very impressive. MGM, the custodians of
Cannon’s film library, offer up a robust and remastered image here. Apart from
the somewhat soft and hazy opticals used in the main titles, the rest sports a
bright and colorful quality, favoring a subtly nuanced brown/beige palette,
with occasional splashes of verdant foliage, and, of course, the spray-tan
flesh of the rippling Paul brothers in all their steroidal glory. The image
really shows off Gianlorenzo Battaglia’s cinematography and the natural splendor
of the Abruzzo locations to their best advantage. Contrast is excellent and
black levels could scarcely be improved. Grain also appears indigenous to its
source. The 2.0 DTS audio is a real time capsule of 80’s technotronic. Composer,
Pino
Donaggio’s score was already on the cusp of being outdated six months after the
movie’s release. Ironically, Cannon was one of the first studio to embrace
Dolby’s multi-channel stereo, and, in retrospect, this serves the movie’s
action sequences exceptionally well. When all else – plot, acting, staging of
the stunts – fails, the movie at least sounds great, and, as money has obviously
been spent, looks fairly impressive, if grotesquely dated by today’s standards.
Extras are the real dud here. We get a few fairly pointless cast interviews –
boring – and a better-than-anticipated audio commentary from Troy Howarth and
Nathaniel Thompson, plus the original theatrical trailer. Bottom line: another
movie from another time, not necessarily a ‘better’ one, though nonetheless simpler
and more cotton floss-orientated in its fun: a bizarre sort of Dungeons and
Dragons meets Pee-Wee Herman on steroids. I don’t think either David or
Peter would be insulted if I were to suggest nothing about The Barbarians
screams ‘Oscar-worthy’, although I suspect as much, this was never the producer’s
aspirations anyway. Not much for the mind…okay, practically, nothing at all…
but a lot of goodies for both sexes to ogle, and a tale that, while vinegary
around the edges, still has enough good sense not to take itself seriously. The
Blu-ray is impressive. Judge and buy accordingly.
FILM RATING (out of 5 – 5 being the best)
3
VIDEO/AUDIO
4.5
EXTRAS
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